Anthology of Interest 2
There. I've finished fine-tuning my What If Machine.
It can answer any "What if," accurate to one-tenth of a plausibility unit.
That's so plausible!
Who wants to see an alternate reality?
I want to know what would happen if I were human.
Being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions …
… and sometimes that makes me very sad.
Oh, Lordy Lou, there he goes again! Well, let's give baby what he wants.
What if Bender were human?
Good news! I've invented a way to turn Bender into a human …
… using the process I call reverse fossilization.
How does it work?
In regular fossilization, flesh and bone turn to minerals.
Realizing that, it was simple to reverse the process.
I've already tested it by turning the toaster into a raccoon.
Kind of gamy.
Ready, Bender?
I don't know. I'm beginning to have some second thoughts …
Cover your shame, mon!
It worked! Eat it, everyone who's never won a Nobel Prize!
And that includes you, Amy.
So this is a human body, huh? Neat! Hey! My antenna's gone!
Nah, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it, though.
Maybe if I wiggle it around …
No! You'll make God cry!
Well, let's see what kind of things this body can do.
Hey, that's pretty fun! Being human is great!
Hooray! It's just like Mardi Gras.
Come into the bathroom and look at this!
You won't believe it!
Bender, it's okay to be proud, but don't be a showoff.
You look a lot better than you used to.
You're not so bad yourself, big boy.
Hey, that felt great! Nah, it's not working anymore.
Speak for yourself.
Whoa, this is awesome!
- You drank and smoked as a robot. - But now it's bad for me! Woo!
Speaking of which, try these nachos.
Why didn't anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good?
What's going on? That rhythm, it's doing something to my human butt!
Bender, part of being human is having self-control.
I bet I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time!
- No, Bender! - Stop him!
- Just let me go! - No!
Come, Bender. It's time to go home and rest.
I need you in top shape when I present you to the Nobel Prize Committee.
Bender?
Goodbye moderation!
Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he?
As I've said before, I used reverse fossilization …
… which is the reverse of regular, uh, eh …
We found him!
Ah! Then without further stalling for time, I present to the Nobel judges …
… the first robot ever turned into a human!
My God! He needs medical attention!
Pulse, 300. Liver, failing. Cholesterol, 40?
- Well, that's not so bad. - No, I mean 40 pounds!
This scientific breakthrough …
… heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations. Yes.
Come here and give old Bender a kiss.
Hey, you like grilled cheese?
And, uh, that's why I believe I deserve the Nobel Prize.
Not only do you not deserve a Nobel Prize …
… for loosing this man-ball upon the world …
… but you are hereby kicked out of the Academy of Science!
Wait! As men of science, are not your minds open to new ideas?
I say, do not judge me until you have tried my way of life for yourselves.
Young man, you've opened our minds and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore …
Party!
Hey, everybody!
- Party! - Woo-hoo!
Party!
Bender, you were right.
You've lived more in one week of being human …
… than the rest of us have in our entire lives.
Woo!
And so, to recognize your achievements …
… I hereby award you the Nobel Prize in, uh, Chemistry.
Care to say a few words?
He's dead.
When did he die?
About twelve hours ago when the party started.
But he just said "Woo!"
No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat.
Woo!
Good night, sweet prince. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know.
Let's get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint.
Woo!
Woo! Woo!
You watched it. You can't un-watch it. Stay tuned for more …
… Tales of Interest.
Who else has a question for the What If Machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor?
I'm good at video games and bad at everything else.
I wish life was like a video game.
Can you say that as a question?
What if that thing I said?
Oh, great machine, we beseech thee.
What if life were more like a video game?
Hello, ignorant pigs. Drop your crack pipes and your beer bongs …
… and watch as I sign an historic peace accord …
… with Ambassador Kong of Planet Nintendu 64.
Wait. I know that monkey! His name is Donkey!
Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!
I'll just put the old John Q. Nixon on it.
There. No major crap-ups. You're on, Mr. Ambassador.
What the …?
Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps …
… and ruined our white pants of peace!
Mr. Fry, you know the secrets of the video game "Chance."
Step into the War Room.
You're meeting with General Colin Packman.
What can you tell us about the Nintendians?
I spent all of ninth grade studying them …
… except the day my eyeballs started to bleed, and in my opinion …
Quickly! To the escape tunnels.
This way, damn it!
Delicious! Just like stale marshmallows!
And a cherry!
Hey, watch out!
- Uh-oh! - Oh, my God! He ate Fry! Fry is dead!
It's okay! I had another guy!
Invaders, possibly from space!
People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the Planet Nintendu 64.
Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships.
All right. It's Saturday night. I have no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta …
… and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!
We're losing ships. What should I do?
Increase speed, drop down and reverse direction!
I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve.
Watch as I fire upwards through our own shield!
He's a madman! A madman!
It's working! Victory's assured!
My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter!
I'm hit! So cold.
No!
Amy, tend to the Widow Packman.
Drop down and increase speed!
One ship is left only!
- Come on, Fry! Get it! - It's moving too fast!
I could never get the last one! My brother always got it for me!
Drop down! Reverse direction! Prepare for landing!
You are defeated!
Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going!
All your base are belong to us.
- What do you monsters want? - One thing, and one thing only:
Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters! No slugs or tokens!
Fork them over!
Forget it, you pixelated pirates! We need quarters to do our laundry!
- Yeah! - Right on!
But space invaders need to do laundry, too.
Look at Donkey Kong. Have you smelled his loincloth?
- Yes. - Go away!
We're not giving you our quarters!
What if we put our laundry in with yours? Would that be okay?
- I guess so. - Okay, that settles that.
But if this cape shrinks, consider your species extinct!
Bravo! That'll be hard to top! I pity the next …
… Tale of Interest!
Well, there's time for one last question.
Let's turn to the Who Asked Machine to see who's next.
Amy.
I mean Leela.
As an alien who was abandoned on Earth …
… I've never really belonged anywhere.
Boo-hoo!
Ow!
So my question is this: What if I found my true home?
Ow!
Where are we?
Nibbler, I don't think we're in New New York anymore.
Jeez, apparently the phrase "Tone it down" doesn't exist on this planet.
Oh, no! We hit someone! Quick, back into the ship! Nice boots.
Yuck!
Look, everyone! She killed the Man-Witch of the West!
A witch? That explains how these boots magically appeared on my feet!
No, you stole them. We saw you!
Well, it's hard to find shoes that fit me.
Who are you people? Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?
We resemble but are legally distinct from the Lollypop Guild, the Lollypop …
Greetings! I'm the Cute Witch of the North!
Can anyone fix my ship so I can go?
Ask the Professor.
He lives in the Emerald Laboratory down Martin Luther King Boulevard.
- You mean that Yellow Brick Road? - The city council re-named it in 1975.
- Those are great shoes! - Oh, thank you.
Do they come in women's sizes?
Crow, prepare to be scared.
"Then, the car honked its own horn!"
A talking scarecrow. Want to come with us to see the Professor?
- He might give you a brain. - Hey! That's not nice to say.
Beer! Beer!
Whiskey okay?
Are you off to see the Professor? 'Cause I could use a heart.
A human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.
And I'm the other guy. Courage.
Not enough of it. Need some from what's-his-name.
Damn this DSL!
Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them!
You promised you'd bake monkey cake today!
By "monkey cake," I meant your ass!
We've been skipping for hours. I need to pull over and take "The Wiz."
What, do I smell or something?
- Why'd you bring us here? - Why'd I have to take a cab?
Here's why I brought you, you twice-baked barf bags!
I've always wanted a daughter to love. You want to get adopted, you skank?
Live here and be a witch like you? Yeah. As long as I get to hurt people …
… and not just dance at the equinox.
- Absolutely. - Oh, Mommy! I found my true home!
- That's great, Leela! - I've heard worse excuses to drink.
I'm melting! Oh!
Who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me?
Well, no point letting her go to waste.
- Yes? - We're here to see the Professor.
- No one sees the mighty Professor! - Who's there, Hermes? Visitors?
- I want to see them! - It's nobody! Now, sign that will.
- He's not here. - Oh, for the love of Benji.
I am the Professor! Great and, uh, forgetful!
Now, what do you nice kids want?
Nothing! But if you have extra courage, I'd haul it away for you maybe?
Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage.
After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
Now, world. You put your hands up!
- Lad, all you need is a brain. - Why does everyone keep saying that?
This is a stickup! Give me the bag, old man!
Here you go, my friend. 5000 Professor Land fun bucks!
- Oh, crap. - You want to go home, right?
No. Not anymore. I want to be the new Wicked Witch.
Nonsense. Click your big honking boots together three times …
… and wish to go home to Kansas …
… to live with your dirt-farming, teetotaling aunt and uncle.
Uh, all right. Here I go.
There's no place like … I want to be a witch!
Oh, no! Help! What's happening?
Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet.
Wake up!
Are you all right? You got hit on the head.
I was having a wonderful dream.
Except you were there. And you. And you.
Never mind, she came to.
- Oh, so close. - There's always next year.
There's always next year.